We were surprised, or at least I was, yesterday when Molly spent the majority of the day not discussing how to be an observer next week, but about how influential early experiences in childhood are to our psyche. We were especially discussing this in relation to disrupting a child's order.
Let me explain.
At the start of class, my corner was busy discussing the best places to get oil changes and the power of a good transformative workshop. We were interrupted by Molly who began class the usual way, asking us about things we had thought about etc. She than circled back to the Absorbent Mind. She said that we were actually going to start the day with a quiz. Although it wasn't very Montessori, she apologized, she just wanted to see what we've learned so far. It was an essay question, that would help us with our final exams this spring; it seemed very logical. We had just got back our Absorbent Mind papers on Friday, and I hadn't done very well. I thought maybe that I wasn't the only one, and they were giving us another chance to show what we could do. I felt a little nervous after Molly said we would have 45 minutes to work on the question because all of a sudden it felt more serious. However, I was mostly excited to challenge myself and see how much I actually know.
I hadn't even begun to write, when 3 minutes later, Molly stopped us and asked how we were feeling. One of us had protested from the minute the test was handed out so she began by saying how upset she felt and angry that she had to be placed back in an environment of test taking that had caused her so much pain in high school. At first I thought Molly had stopped the exercise due to the almost violent reaction our classmate was having, but as she guided the discussion to different people I realized that she never intended us to take the test. Shortly there after she said as much. It was a way to have us react in order to discuss what happens when we are tested.
What followed was an emotional 30 minute discussion where individuals shared how the test made them feel and then Molly helped us explore where that all began. There were tears. And I don't mean to be unsympathetic when I say that. I was surprised at how telling these memories were for people and how defining. It led to bigger issues than just "test taking, but to teachers (read: nuns) who abused children into being scared of schools and learning. It led to the ELL students saying how the anxiety of writing English is still present for them each time they begin a theory paper. It led to someone sharing how other colleagues have grown frustrated with their ability to pronounce English words. It led to discussions on parents who did or did not support their children's personality. How these experiences made them feel unworthy, untalented, incapable. How the experience of feeling insufficient led some to study different topics in college because they didn't feel able to do what they were seriously passionate about. And all these issues that led them to Montessori. Stories were shared about the change they feel in themselves already, and the belief they know they can be a Montessori guide.
I didn't know if I had something to share, because the fake test hadn't made me feel quite upset as the others. But I also felt restless to explain that for me, I was excited to test myself because I don't do that often enough.
Once I got speaking, I realized I had more to say than I thought. I explained how I had left grades long ago during Freshmen year of college. My first year writing class and experience with Alfie Kohn were influential and I continued to work for myself throughout college. I gave myself pep talks each time I wrote an assignment: "why are you doing this work Molly?" "what are you gaining from it? what do you want to gain from it?" If I didn't feel like an assignment was worth my time, I wouldn't do it. Or I wouldn't give it my full effort. I didn't turn things in on time, because it mattered that I handed something I was proud of, and not just something to hand in. I explained that though this process I began to produce sub quality work and I didn't realize this process was happening until it was too late. I look back on the work I produced in high school and I have much more respect that the work I produced for my individual major. I was working for a grade then, but I was pushing myself to be better and I was better. My major allowed me to work for myself, and to take ownership over my major, but in the end, the result wasn't something I was proud of and felt like I wanted to share. It hurts that something I spend four years working towards, and especially the bulk of senior year crafting, isn't something I can turn to to say "look, this is what I've done" because I know its not my best work. And I say that not from an overly critical point of view. I know myself, and I know what I' capable of, and I know I didn't live up to that expectation. I quit things, or give up, when they get hard.
Through a bit of prodding, I realized that the first time I have a memory of doing this was quitting ice skating when I was 7. Its a very strong memory for me. I was upset and had a temper about having to ice skate in snow pants. I laughed telling this story because its ridiculous. But I threw a fit, and mom suggested that maybe these private lessons were too much. I just agreed. And that pretty much ended my ice skating career. I was never patient with myself to improve over time. I saw others excelling and I wanted to be that good right then. I know mom told me everyone had to work on their talents, but I didn't believe that. I played almost every sport there is, and always stopped when it started to require more of me and became challenging.
Most recently (and I fell onto the table laughing, but close to tears) saying how I left apron making early last week. A silly small thing, but I left because I wasn't in the mood to do it anymore. And I wonder if I should have pushed myself to finish what I had started. Sometimes I worry I'm too egocentric. Or ego-motivated. I like to do what is good for me and what makes me feel good, but I am learning to recognize that sometimes the things that I really want are the ones that make me frustrated first.
You always have a choice.
My self portrait is a good example of that. That was one of the most challenging things I did, but I did it and I'm proud of it. It shows that handwork is rewarding.
Germany. Well, I shouldn't get into that. Its cruel to judge the work I did or didn't do during that year. I think I can take away from the experience teaching that preparation is vital. As I've said before, I am today the person who could succeed in teaching English to German students because of my experiencing not knowing how to teach English to German students.
Molly made a promise to me after my story to say that she won't let me drop our of Montessori training. She promised that she will hold me to my goal. I appreciated that commitment. She used the word commitment actually. She said she promises to stay committed to me.
Yesterday fell into the top 3 days of class so far. I enjoyed it because it brought out something that I hadn't full actualized in myself and it was powerful to hear and see how these early experiences shape us for the rest of our lives. One of the best things we can do for children is to observe them and not assume we know what is best. Yesterday seemed to be more about the effects of not being a good observer. Today I think we'll get more into how to be a good observer.
